October, October

just checkin' in

I am a grumpy ol’ cynic at times, you should know this. When I first saw an Instagram post about something called ‘The October Slide’ I gave my eyes the smallest of rolls. Sometimes I think social media likes to massage issues into something bigger than they really are for the sake of content, and I don’t think that’s always helpful for those of us living with chronic conditions. I mean, if you expect something to happen it’s probably going to happen - right? Anyway, I’m writing this from bed at 2.40pm on a rainy, October Friday. There may have been some “sliding”.

Despite my current location I’m actually feeling really blimmin’ good! Mentally, I mean. Physically the ship has sailed. I have finally attained an almost zen-like acceptance of my changing gait and now pretty much permanent requirement for mobility aids. No more attempting to hide my limp, no more attempting to walk faster, no more giving a flying rat’s arse if my body makes other people feel uncomfortable or impatient. And as a result of my enlightenment I am actually doing more! No more fucking hiding!

I think the biggest contributor to my changing mind-set has been the response of health-care workers to my requests for support. A series of bittersweet recent events have finally cemented the reality of what’s happening to me. First, I contacted the council to ask about a ramp: fearing I’d be told I’m “not disabled enough yet” to meet funding criteria the occupational therapist who came to my home took one look at me and informed me I’d be accepted, and that she was also going to submit a report requesting a wet-floor shower to replace my current over-bath setup.

Oh okay, I am disabled.

Second, at an appointment with my neuro-physiotherapist I enquired about NHS wheelchairs: fearing I’d be told I’m “not disabled enough yet” to meet funding criteria and that I just need to try harder I was instead met with, “no problem, I can easily get one of those to you - it sounds like you would really benefit from one. I’m also going to refer you to try a Functional Electrical Stimulation device on your left leg.”

NHS wheels - I’d say they’re function over style but even that would be a stretch…

Oh okay, my MS is progressing.

It feels like I received something close to permission, without knowing that’s what I needed. Permission to have this MS, after over a decade with the mountain-climbing type of MS. Permission to be physically disabled by MS. Permission to be supported. Permission to let go of any lingering notion that I must be doing something wrong.

once upon a time my MS looked like this

Permission to start living again.

And on that note, I’m off to shower before this evening’s Yin Yoga class (where I proudly rock up with my massive rollator, slow limp, big smile, head held high, happy and disabled and ready to let it allllll go).